Rob Plath

rob plath
baron von shitfaced

Once I came out of the bar
it was middle of winter
the doors to my '84 Cressida
were frozen shut
I yanked the driver's side
then I yanked at the passenger's
I held my key in the flame
of my lighter
burned my fucking fingers
finally there was a cracking sound
& the passenger's side
icily creaked open
I jumped in shivering
& started the car
as it warmed in the cold
I tried to get the driver's side open
it finally cracked open
but then both doors
wouldn't click shut
as I drove each took turns
flying open
depending on the turn
sometimes both just flew open
in the January wind
the car looked like a one-engine
plane at times
I was Baron von Shitfaced
whiskey spilled on my scarf
alone, piloting his two passenger machine
through the dark cold suburban streets
hoping no enemies arrived
before i made it back
before i made it the fuck home

hydro, crumb donuts & two monte carlo's

it was middle of winter
we were very high

we all went into 7-eleven
to conquer the munchies

the hot chocolate machine
made a loud noise when it began
dribbling cocoa into the dixie cup
i started laughing
b/c of the attention it drew

billy wanted to get out from
under the florescent lights
he was already on line
w/a box of crumb donuts

we were still scanning the candy
aisles

he paid & went to the car
looking back at us, smirking that
he was free

we were standing on a long line
staring out the plate glass window
as he bopped out

there were two white monte carlo's
in the parking lot
& we all nearly fell on the floor as bill
swung open the door to the wrong one
& got in the back seat

when we got out we headed straight
for our car
& pulled near the payphone

we watched as the large owner
of the monte opened the driver's
side door

we saw the car sink
the door slam shut

then we saw bill running
& the man waving his fist

bill ran towards us laughing
a trail of donuts falling
onto the pavement

we jokingly pulled forward
as he reached for the door handle